All the Single Ladies

Sunday, August 15, 2010

a princess

I was sitting next to a young mother and her toddler today in church. We (me and the toddler) were playing hippos.

"Do the the hippos wanna get Mommy?"
"No, that's called a princess" he lisps and points to his mother.

His mother smiles. Tells me she doesn't wear skirts that often.

This is clearly the key to happiness. Having one person believe your a princess, even if you have to dress up a bit.

Saturday, August 14, 2010

Old flame

So remember when I said I was good at being single?

Well, when I was younger, I was very awkward and didn't have grace or breasts to speak of, what I'm saying is, I didn't get many dates. All through high school I spent my friday nights with a good book.

I grew up, I started dating in college. Some fridays were filled. But in general, I was single. And like I said, good at it. But I am getting the feeling that I am not so good at it now.

I don't know if the universe is telling me I have some time to make up for, or if I am getting clingy as I get older or what. But I can't say I'm 1oo% single anymore.

Let me back up. Let me tell you a bit about Old Flame (yes fine, he has a nickname now). In college he and I were very good friends. We could talk for hours, and did. We could disagree and be amiable about it. We could talk Sci fi and emotions. We also had quite a bit of what I'll call face contact. It was nice. But for one reason or another we never really committed to a relationship. The timing was always off. And we were close enough friends, it didn't matter too much.

Lets fast forward to my trip to College town a few weeks ago. I am still spinning from Instacopy guy and to some extent Asshat as well. I am not in the emotional state for a new relationship. And yet, Old Flame got extra flamey anyway.

The great thing is, with him I don't have to hide anything. He knows me. He already knows my crazy. I don't have to spend time trying to impress him, because he spent like five years getting to know me and is apparently impressed. I don't feel like I am on a roller coaster with this guy. I feel safe to be me.

At this point, we don't really know what we're doing. But we are clearly doing something. Talking more often, being sappy, enjoying each others company very thoughly. It's good for me and I hope, good for him.

But I probably don't get to say I am good at being single anymore. Because apparently I kinda suck at it. Sorry, your getting a guide on being single from someone this bad at it.


Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Goodbye to you

I took my time with this one, getting over Instacopy Guy. Since it was such a short relationship, it shouldn't take long. I should have been back on the saddle straight away.

But I felt so strongly so fast, I definitely needed to take some time to decompress. So I didn't put a time limit on my mourning. Whatever emotions I needed to feel I felt. Thats fine.

But I think I'm done. He was a cool guy, for sure, but he obviously is not at the point in his life where he wants the relationship we had. I don't think it had anything to do with me. Or us. He just didn't want it. And honestly, thats ok. At least he had the decency to cut it off early. And to do it like a gentlemen (Unlike another ex we can all think of).

But I want that relationship. I want a love that touches me deep. That makes me feel like I am swiminning in the sea, and the undertow keeps pulling me deeper, but instead of scared, I know at the end I'm safe.

I want the kinda love they write power ballads about.

So, goodbye instacopy guy.

Hello whatever is next.

(Next post I may tell you about Old Flame. Not sure though.)

Monday, August 2, 2010

The woman I want to be

So I said I want to be the person I was before. Thats not exactly true. I've learned alot in the last year and a half. I have matured. I know what I want from life. Going back to the girl I was would be just that, going back.

But that girl does have some qualities that the woman I am becoming seems to lack:

1: being alone. I used to spend a good deal of time alone, and I liked it. Now, the silence of it makes me anxious. I try and fill my lonely hours with movies, facebook, texting anything so I don't feel alone. And that's pathetic. Time alone isn't necessarily time away from others, it is time with yourself. Important, and something that I have seriously been neglecting.

2: Productivity: In college, I got shit done. I was on time with all my reports, my stories and poetry. I even had side projects. Now I let a day job take all my energy and spend free time doing nothing productive (though often fun).

3; Going somewhere: I felt like my future was open to me. It didn't matter what path I took because paths were infinite. Now all I feel are the doors shutting around me. I am terrified of burning bridges. I don't want to miss out on opportunity, but I am also afraid of risking the stablity that I have.

These qualities haven't left me. I know it. They are in me, I have just let a year and a half of going no where bury them.

I'm working on it though. I am writing more (though probably not enough). I applied to some jobs in another city, which is exciting because I'll be leaving things behind, making a fresh start and taking a chance. It's frightening though because I have nested where I am. It is my home, there is a lot wrong with it and frankly the life I made here is kinda slipshod right now, but it is home.

But it's a start.

There's something else in my life too. Something exciting. But I'm not sure I want to post about it just yet. I don't want to jinx it.