So...

He doesn't want me. Not like I want him. Talking to him I figured that out. His story was still one of protection, that he wanted to keep from hurting me anymore than he had too. But I could tell this time. My head wasn't spinning from shock and I could see. He isn't falling for me. He doesn't know if he ever will. It hurts.

But, my heart. It opened for him. I let him in. And alot of that was because of him. He was kind, and funny. He was a whole person and I wanted him to be a part of my life.

But it was my heart that opened. My heart that found the strength hope for something wonderful. Even after everything that I've been through. It's not a shell or a shield, it's not just a bloody fist, pumping away with medical precision.

I'm glad he showed me that at least. That I am not the creature of temper and hate. And I'm glad I have this heart.

Denial or Confidence?

Screw this.

I'm going to get him back. I care about him so much after such a little time, I can't just let him go. I know that he has decided. But I decide something too, I decide that I don't want to cut this relationship off at the knees.

We were in the honeymoon of the relationship, where everything feels exciting and new and your learning about each other. It's a great time and important to the relationship. But it isn't what defines one. Its the snags and how you handle them. I don't want to run, I know he is scared of something, I don't know what. I have tons of theories, because well, I'm a girl. We theorize. But here is my hope, my goal if you will. I want to convince him not to act on that fear. I want to get him to trust me that a relationship will me is not a trap.

Most of the time I believe I can do it.

Some of the time, I think about how little sense him breaking up with me made. And I think, was it just an excuse. Does he actually not like me that much and he just didn't want to hurt my feelings. He is a good guy, so maybe he just couldn't bare to say to me, "Audry5000 you're cool and all, but I don't LIKE you like you."

I think of this and I would cry like a baby. Except I cried out too many tears and I don't have anymore left for the day, so my face just scruncies up really ugly. It's very flattering.

There is another part of me. The one that recognizes I have to respect him. I can't stalk him, I can't bug him. So, basically, I get one chance. I am going to present my case. Try not to cry while I do... and then it's in his court. Hopefully it's enough, I don't know. I hope so.

Also, dating sucks.

Huh. Remember me?

I was all, "I'm totally 'relationshipping' and we're going to fall in love and be together forever." and "aren't I so lucky" Yeah. That was me. Smug and stoked.

Well it lasted alittle more than a month and a half. Being with Instacopy guy was bliss indeed. We went to the movies, cuddled on the couch. Played fetch with my dog. The best part was, I felt my heart opening like a flower. I didn't think it would ever open again, or at least not for a very long time. But for this one, I fell. Hard.

And then yesterday he dumped me.

I felt like someone pulled a rug out from under me. He said it was nothing I did that he was broken (another one) and I deserved better. But I don't feel like I deserve better. I don't feel like I was settling. I felt in love. Already.

I feel it still. I think I am in denial. I think I need to get him back. I think it didn't happen. I think my brain is collapsing from the weight of my heart which is a metaphor that doesn't even close to make sense.

But here is what I know. Dating sucks.

-Audry5000

Hurmmmm

So, ya. It's been a while since I posted.

Thats largely because I've become what one of my friends called "the enemy," because while I can still check the single box on tax forms, I can't really say that in any other way. Yes, true to form I am again relationshiping. With Instacopy guy.

so first of Squeee!!!!!!

Second off, i'd like to register how baffled I am. I feel as though I won the lottery. And after so much bitter feelings. It's wonderful.

But I'm not sure this is the venue to gush about my new fella. I created this blog as an outlet for pain, and impatience. And empowerment of course. While I hope to still be empowered, I don't know that the others really apply.

So I've been quiet for a while. And will probably remain so. LadyLock, I leave you in charge. I may post, but I don't know. You might do better to follow my doings at my other blog http://blatantexposition.blogspot.com/

Anyway, good luck ladies!

Confession: A promise broken

I had a moment of weakness last night and I am sorry for it. I read his blog. All of it, every entry since we last talked. I hate breaking promises like that. Especially to myself.

I'm not really sure why I did it either. I haven't really been thinking of him since I started seeing Instacopy Guy. And maybe didthat is why I did it. For Instacopy guy. I need to be absolutely done with Asshat.

But also, I'm kinda glad I did it. I learned alot from his blog. The first thing is that he is angry with me, but he doesn't hate me. Thats good, I never wanted him to hate me. But I learned something else as well. After reading all the things that he has written about me, I realise he didn't really know me at all. The girl he knew, the one he loved, she looked like me and liked alot of the same things. But she wasn't me. She was someone who liked to see him hurt, who didn't love him, and in her heart of hearts probably thought he was going to hell. No wonder he could never trust me. The girl he knew was foul. It makes me wonder why he did love.

This is a painful thing to note, because it means our relationship never stood a chance, but its useful too.

I lost nothing when I left him. He didn't even know who I am. It's like we were strangers.

I was also able to read things about him kissing his girl best friend (interestingly a story he told with no sense of irony at all) with no twinges of jealousy. I didn't care at all. And then when they broke it off, I wasn't secretly happy. I don't care.

So with that, I'm going to hammer the final nails down on the coffin of our relationship. I won't talk about him here again I expect, and I am releasing my heart of anger toward him. It was a misunderstanding. He just didn't love me, he loved ghost me, so of course she slipped through is fingers, like a very slippy thing.

Now I can focus on Instacopy Guy, because something might be happening there. Which, by the way, terrifying. To listen to my heart again after it was so recently proved an idiot. But thats what we do, us humans. Listen to the heart again and again, even after it is wrong. Because one day, it is going to be right. And oh how we want that day.

-Audry5000

The Dating world.

I don't date. I relationship.

This is largely because dating is sooo... uncertain. I don't like not knowing where I stand and when you are dating, you are on a constantly shifting plane of very soft sand. Keeping your footing is nearly impossible.

Not that relationshiping is any easier, but you know, at least you usually know where you stand. I mean, your being exclusive, so you at least like the person they probably like you too.

Anyway: My Date with Instacopy Guy.

It was fantastic. The wine was yummy, the guy was a sharp dresser AND a good conversationalist. We sat and talked for several hours, about books and comic books, and politics and writing. We laughed and lost track of time, staying till well after the place had technically closed.

He was a gentlemen too, letting me go first and not sitting till I had sat. It was probably the best first date I've ever had. We didn't even seem to be that nervous.

So whats the problem, you may ask. Well it's this: I like him. A lot. While that might not immediately seem like a problem, you'd be surprised.

As I was driving home, I was all smiles, thinking of what we said and how much I liked him. Then I realized. What if he doesn't like me? He hadn't secured a second date after all. And if I have learned anything from "He's just not that into you" it's that a guy will secure a second date if he wants one. I started to worry. I mean, I'm alittle younger than him, what if that bothers him. And I don't keep up with music the way he does. Maybe that underwhelms him. I've never been so nervous.

And that's dating. It is a roller coaster ride for your ego. The ups and downs. The what if I'm not pretty or smart enoughs and the what if he doesn't like the fact I have funny teeth or am short. The what if my laugh is too nasallies are followed immediately by the I am so lucky and he makes me feel specials.

Dating is stressful. I guess we are supposed to be confident, realize we are worthy and that the right guy will see that. It's just easier said than done. Most of the time, I know I am a pretty cool lady, but when I am looking at a silent phone all night, it is hard not to question.

Then, however, something wonderful happened. He asked me out to coffee tonight. And the rollercoast went up again. YES!

Single Girls guide: Getting dates

One of our biggest concerns as a single lady is getting a date. I know, it's sad. We need to be indepedant, happy without a man, active and wonderful. All that. But the truth is that most of us don't like being single. So we are looking for the next one. They guy who could be the one, or even the guy who'll pay for dinner or go to the grocery store with us.

How do we procure these date?

To be honest, I have no idea. I've spent a rather large part of my life single because I have no clue how to get a guy to ask me out (asking them out is clearly out of the question). In fact, I've never actually dated someone who I liked beforehand. I'm always like "youre ok, I'll give it a shot," and then I grow to like them.

Until now.

That's right, that guy I was telling you (henseforth known as instacopy guy) about asked me to a winery. Not officially a date, but numbers were exchanged and I am super stoked! But I am left with one resounding question: how did I do it? I liked a guy, the guy asked me out. I don't know what connected these two events. The only possibilties I can think of are these: I told him I broke up with my boyfriend and I spent some amount of time trying to convince him that dragons really DO exist.

That's what guys like right? Dragons. Or delusional women?

Anyway, the date (not date) is going down tonight. I'll let you know.


-Audry5000

PS: SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE