Goodbye to you

I took my time with this one, getting over Instacopy Guy. Since it was such a short relationship, it shouldn't take long. I should have been back on the saddle straight away.

But I felt so strongly so fast, I definitely needed to take some time to decompress. So I didn't put a time limit on my mourning. Whatever emotions I needed to feel I felt. Thats fine.

But I think I'm done. He was a cool guy, for sure, but he obviously is not at the point in his life where he wants the relationship we had. I don't think it had anything to do with me. Or us. He just didn't want it. And honestly, thats ok. At least he had the decency to cut it off early. And to do it like a gentlemen (Unlike another ex we can all think of).

But I want that relationship. I want a love that touches me deep. That makes me feel like I am swiminning in the sea, and the undertow keeps pulling me deeper, but instead of scared, I know at the end I'm safe.

I want the kinda love they write power ballads about.

So, goodbye instacopy guy.

Hello whatever is next.

(Next post I may tell you about Old Flame. Not sure though.)

The woman I want to be

So I said I want to be the person I was before. Thats not exactly true. I've learned alot in the last year and a half. I have matured. I know what I want from life. Going back to the girl I was would be just that, going back.

But that girl does have some qualities that the woman I am becoming seems to lack:

1: being alone. I used to spend a good deal of time alone, and I liked it. Now, the silence of it makes me anxious. I try and fill my lonely hours with movies, facebook, texting anything so I don't feel alone. And that's pathetic. Time alone isn't necessarily time away from others, it is time with yourself. Important, and something that I have seriously been neglecting.

2: Productivity: In college, I got shit done. I was on time with all my reports, my stories and poetry. I even had side projects. Now I let a day job take all my energy and spend free time doing nothing productive (though often fun).

3; Going somewhere: I felt like my future was open to me. It didn't matter what path I took because paths were infinite. Now all I feel are the doors shutting around me. I am terrified of burning bridges. I don't want to miss out on opportunity, but I am also afraid of risking the stablity that I have.

These qualities haven't left me. I know it. They are in me, I have just let a year and a half of going no where bury them.

I'm working on it though. I am writing more (though probably not enough). I applied to some jobs in another city, which is exciting because I'll be leaving things behind, making a fresh start and taking a chance. It's frightening though because I have nested where I am. It is my home, there is a lot wrong with it and frankly the life I made here is kinda slipshod right now, but it is home.

But it's a start.

There's something else in my life too. Something exciting. But I'm not sure I want to post about it just yet. I don't want to jinx it.

A brief thought of empowerment on a rather sad trip to get ice cream alone

I am a pretty awesome person generally. Maybe I need to spend my time with people who realize this AND act accordingly.

Le Sigh.

I read this book. It's Called a Breakup Because it is Broken. The first thing I wanna note with this book is: wow, I've become the kind of person who reads self help books cover to cover. But also, it had some good advice, two points in particular that seem particularly poignant.

1: He wouldn't have broken up with me if he wanted to be with me. I.E. I need to stop thinking Instacopy guy is just going to appear suddenly, realizing he made a huge mistake and wanting another shot. I gave him another shot. He passed it up. Guys don't do that with the girl of their dreams. They just don't.

This is really hard for me though. Mostly because the relationship seemed so easy. We got along very well. There was chemistry. We made good friends with the others friends. I just have a hard time accepting that he doesn't want that relationship. So I find myself waiting for him. Thinking if he just saw me again, then he would want be back.

I'm afraid I'm going to spend my whole life waiting. This leads to...

2: No contact for two months. No. None. You think it will help, but it won't. You need two months to heal. Seeing him before then will set you back in the healing process. You need to get over him.

After all, Instacopy guy dumped me. Why should I even want to talk to him? Why do I want to be at least his friend? I should be angry or something. But the truth is I want to see him. I want to tell him about my day. Tell him how disiplined I've been in my writing since he left. Not to mention I don't want to get over him yet. I want to hold him in my arms. yeesh it's pathetic.

This is a hard rule for me. Not the least of which is we work across the street from each other. He lives four minutes from my house. There are few points in the day where I couldn't walk to where ever he happened to be.

To that end I decided to take a weekend trip. I went to the town that I attended college in. Hung out with those friends that made their home there after graduation. I needed to relax. Think about something else. Get away from dude. So I went to ground.

And it worked. At least alittle. My friends are truly wonderful people. One in particular (who shall remain even nicknameless because they read this blog and I don't want their head to swell with internet fame) helped me forget. At least for the weekend, my life wasn't about the man who dumped me or the Asshat I left before that. It was about fun, and friends, and to some extent, writing.

Then, coming home was like coming back to my problems. I guess I had hoped they would go away when I was gone. No such luck. They were waiting for me. My memories were waiting. My bed was too big for the one person in it. But then, I'm smart enough to know that a weekend fixes nothing.

It did remind me of something. Before the emotional grab bag that has been my life lately, I was someone. Complete. Loved. My life wasn't about who I dumped or who dumped me. It was just a life. A good one.

I want that again. That's the girl I want to be. In or out of relationship.

So...

He doesn't want me. Not like I want him. Talking to him I figured that out. His story was still one of protection, that he wanted to keep from hurting me anymore than he had too. But I could tell this time. My head wasn't spinning from shock and I could see. He isn't falling for me. He doesn't know if he ever will. It hurts.

But, my heart. It opened for him. I let him in. And alot of that was because of him. He was kind, and funny. He was a whole person and I wanted him to be a part of my life.

But it was my heart that opened. My heart that found the strength hope for something wonderful. Even after everything that I've been through. It's not a shell or a shield, it's not just a bloody fist, pumping away with medical precision.

I'm glad he showed me that at least. That I am not the creature of temper and hate. And I'm glad I have this heart.

Denial or Confidence?

Screw this.

I'm going to get him back. I care about him so much after such a little time, I can't just let him go. I know that he has decided. But I decide something too, I decide that I don't want to cut this relationship off at the knees.

We were in the honeymoon of the relationship, where everything feels exciting and new and your learning about each other. It's a great time and important to the relationship. But it isn't what defines one. Its the snags and how you handle them. I don't want to run, I know he is scared of something, I don't know what. I have tons of theories, because well, I'm a girl. We theorize. But here is my hope, my goal if you will. I want to convince him not to act on that fear. I want to get him to trust me that a relationship will me is not a trap.

Most of the time I believe I can do it.

Some of the time, I think about how little sense him breaking up with me made. And I think, was it just an excuse. Does he actually not like me that much and he just didn't want to hurt my feelings. He is a good guy, so maybe he just couldn't bare to say to me, "Audry5000 you're cool and all, but I don't LIKE you like you."

I think of this and I would cry like a baby. Except I cried out too many tears and I don't have anymore left for the day, so my face just scruncies up really ugly. It's very flattering.

There is another part of me. The one that recognizes I have to respect him. I can't stalk him, I can't bug him. So, basically, I get one chance. I am going to present my case. Try not to cry while I do... and then it's in his court. Hopefully it's enough, I don't know. I hope so.

Also, dating sucks.

Huh. Remember me?

I was all, "I'm totally 'relationshipping' and we're going to fall in love and be together forever." and "aren't I so lucky" Yeah. That was me. Smug and stoked.

Well it lasted alittle more than a month and a half. Being with Instacopy guy was bliss indeed. We went to the movies, cuddled on the couch. Played fetch with my dog. The best part was, I felt my heart opening like a flower. I didn't think it would ever open again, or at least not for a very long time. But for this one, I fell. Hard.

And then yesterday he dumped me.

I felt like someone pulled a rug out from under me. He said it was nothing I did that he was broken (another one) and I deserved better. But I don't feel like I deserve better. I don't feel like I was settling. I felt in love. Already.

I feel it still. I think I am in denial. I think I need to get him back. I think it didn't happen. I think my brain is collapsing from the weight of my heart which is a metaphor that doesn't even close to make sense.

But here is what I know. Dating sucks.

-Audry5000