All the Single Ladies

Saturday, May 15, 2010

I know it has been a tiny bit since I have posted, which is strange, because I have had things to say. It has been a busy week emotionally.

One thing that happened is a found a little bit of peace. I realized it wasn't all his fault. You wouldn't think that would give me peace, but it does. You see, I am so tired of being angry at him for the things he did, and even more tired of feeling like I had no control over my life for 11 months. I was swimming in the deep end of an emotionally unhealthy love and felt like I was constantly drowning. Realizing that there were things I did wrong, it means I had some power over what happened. Sure I fucked up, but it was my fuck up. That's something I can learn from. I don't have to be angry about that.

So here's what he did wrong:

He assumed I would cheat/leave him for another man
He worked off that assumption
He treated my friends, and my best friend like the enemy
He sat outside in his car my entire birthday
He never apologized

Here is what I did wrong:

I let him assume I would cheat/ leave him: if I act like it is ok for him to treat me that way, then his gut tells him it's because I will.
I should have been firm about how he needed to trust me, not "understanding" I am a trustworthy person, and if I demanded that trust, it would have reassured him, not scared him away.
I acted out of my own fear.
I yelled, alot.

All of this came from reading a section of a random self help book I picked up while working ( I work at a bookstore btw). It said that with men who have problems with trust (read:asshat), you have to be firm, let them know it is not ok to treat you like a cheater. They are acting from gut instinct. Intellectually, asshat knew I was loyal to him, but his gut told him different. I could never find a way to reassure that gut. My instinct said I should be offended, but I pushed it down and tried to be understanding instead. Turns out, my gut was right. I should have been offended.

Another revelation this brought on was that sometimes, self help books can actually help. Who knew?

That said, I spent alot of the rest of the week realizing how angry I still am with him. I don't know when that will go away. I think it's fading, but occasionally the anger still rears up and punches me in the gut. And the force of it stops me in my tracks. I hate it.

The worst part of the anger is that I am afraid to find anyone else while I still feel it. I don't want to punish some poor innocent bloke for the things Asshat did.