All the Single Ladies

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

The single (not really) girls guide to long distance relationships

The world we live in is a global one. Right now, you are sitting comfortably( I hope) at home reading words that I have written God knows how many miles away. It's fairly fantastic.

This does mean that you are, likely as not, going to experience some form of long distance relationship in your life time.

That's what I am doing now. Which is because, needless to say, Old Flame and I are doing well. We are, relationshiping in fact. But, he lives about four hours away from me, so it is a relationship unlike any I've had before.

Here are some tips I've learned.

Technology is your friend. Texting, phoning, instant messaging and Webcamming are all your friends (get you minds outta the gutter). This world is global for a reason. Technology will help you with your budding romance.

Conversation has to be a big part of the relationship. I gotta say, I love this part. I love the sound of my own voice, and the idea that words and language are making our relationship possible appeals to me greatly.

I'm lucky, mine is more of a middle distance relationship than a long one. Four hours is short enough that I can visit on a monthly basis. But no matter the distance, visit when you can. And when you are visiting. Revel in it. It's a special time for you two-- now this doesn't mean you should ignore problems or pretend everything is perfect if it isn't, just remember you don't get to hold your fella everyday, so enjoy it when you can.

Let the good outweigh the frustrations. Yes, it is frustrating that when he has a bad day, I can't be there to try and make it better. Or that after talking half the night on the phone I can't have a goodnight kiss. But! It's also freeing to do my own thing without guilt that I am ignoring him. And kinda reassuring that he is doing the same. It's also nice to exercise the kinda trust that a long distance relationship requires and to feel it returned.

Don't make it forever. It is only going to get harder, so make plans. I am. Hoping for a future can do a lot to keep the present in perspective.

SOOOOOO. To summarize. I miss him sometimes, but I would rather miss a guy that's right for me than sit next to one who is wrong for me everyday of the week. My experience is that with the right guy, it's not quite as hard as it first seems to be.


Sunday, August 15, 2010

a princess

I was sitting next to a young mother and her toddler today in church. We (me and the toddler) were playing hippos.

"Do the the hippos wanna get Mommy?"
"No, that's called a princess" he lisps and points to his mother.

His mother smiles. Tells me she doesn't wear skirts that often.

This is clearly the key to happiness. Having one person believe your a princess, even if you have to dress up a bit.

Saturday, August 14, 2010

Old flame

So remember when I said I was good at being single?

Well, when I was younger, I was very awkward and didn't have grace or breasts to speak of, what I'm saying is, I didn't get many dates. All through high school I spent my friday nights with a good book.

I grew up, I started dating in college. Some fridays were filled. But in general, I was single. And like I said, good at it. But I am getting the feeling that I am not so good at it now.

I don't know if the universe is telling me I have some time to make up for, or if I am getting clingy as I get older or what. But I can't say I'm 1oo% single anymore.

Let me back up. Let me tell you a bit about Old Flame (yes fine, he has a nickname now). In college he and I were very good friends. We could talk for hours, and did. We could disagree and be amiable about it. We could talk Sci fi and emotions. We also had quite a bit of what I'll call face contact. It was nice. But for one reason or another we never really committed to a relationship. The timing was always off. And we were close enough friends, it didn't matter too much.

Lets fast forward to my trip to College town a few weeks ago. I am still spinning from Instacopy guy and to some extent Asshat as well. I am not in the emotional state for a new relationship. And yet, Old Flame got extra flamey anyway.

The great thing is, with him I don't have to hide anything. He knows me. He already knows my crazy. I don't have to spend time trying to impress him, because he spent like five years getting to know me and is apparently impressed. I don't feel like I am on a roller coaster with this guy. I feel safe to be me.

At this point, we don't really know what we're doing. But we are clearly doing something. Talking more often, being sappy, enjoying each others company very thoughly. It's good for me and I hope, good for him.

But I probably don't get to say I am good at being single anymore. Because apparently I kinda suck at it. Sorry, your getting a guide on being single from someone this bad at it.


Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Goodbye to you

I took my time with this one, getting over Instacopy Guy. Since it was such a short relationship, it shouldn't take long. I should have been back on the saddle straight away.

But I felt so strongly so fast, I definitely needed to take some time to decompress. So I didn't put a time limit on my mourning. Whatever emotions I needed to feel I felt. Thats fine.

But I think I'm done. He was a cool guy, for sure, but he obviously is not at the point in his life where he wants the relationship we had. I don't think it had anything to do with me. Or us. He just didn't want it. And honestly, thats ok. At least he had the decency to cut it off early. And to do it like a gentlemen (Unlike another ex we can all think of).

But I want that relationship. I want a love that touches me deep. That makes me feel like I am swiminning in the sea, and the undertow keeps pulling me deeper, but instead of scared, I know at the end I'm safe.

I want the kinda love they write power ballads about.

So, goodbye instacopy guy.

Hello whatever is next.

(Next post I may tell you about Old Flame. Not sure though.)

Monday, August 2, 2010

The woman I want to be

So I said I want to be the person I was before. Thats not exactly true. I've learned alot in the last year and a half. I have matured. I know what I want from life. Going back to the girl I was would be just that, going back.

But that girl does have some qualities that the woman I am becoming seems to lack:

1: being alone. I used to spend a good deal of time alone, and I liked it. Now, the silence of it makes me anxious. I try and fill my lonely hours with movies, facebook, texting anything so I don't feel alone. And that's pathetic. Time alone isn't necessarily time away from others, it is time with yourself. Important, and something that I have seriously been neglecting.

2: Productivity: In college, I got shit done. I was on time with all my reports, my stories and poetry. I even had side projects. Now I let a day job take all my energy and spend free time doing nothing productive (though often fun).

3; Going somewhere: I felt like my future was open to me. It didn't matter what path I took because paths were infinite. Now all I feel are the doors shutting around me. I am terrified of burning bridges. I don't want to miss out on opportunity, but I am also afraid of risking the stablity that I have.

These qualities haven't left me. I know it. They are in me, I have just let a year and a half of going no where bury them.

I'm working on it though. I am writing more (though probably not enough). I applied to some jobs in another city, which is exciting because I'll be leaving things behind, making a fresh start and taking a chance. It's frightening though because I have nested where I am. It is my home, there is a lot wrong with it and frankly the life I made here is kinda slipshod right now, but it is home.

But it's a start.

There's something else in my life too. Something exciting. But I'm not sure I want to post about it just yet. I don't want to jinx it.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

A brief thought of empowerment on a rather sad trip to get ice cream alone

I am a pretty awesome person generally. Maybe I need to spend my time with people who realize this AND act accordingly.

Le Sigh.

I read this book. It's Called a Breakup Because it is Broken. The first thing I wanna note with this book is: wow, I've become the kind of person who reads self help books cover to cover. But also, it had some good advice, two points in particular that seem particularly poignant.

1: He wouldn't have broken up with me if he wanted to be with me. I.E. I need to stop thinking Instacopy guy is just going to appear suddenly, realizing he made a huge mistake and wanting another shot. I gave him another shot. He passed it up. Guys don't do that with the girl of their dreams. They just don't.

This is really hard for me though. Mostly because the relationship seemed so easy. We got along very well. There was chemistry. We made good friends with the others friends. I just have a hard time accepting that he doesn't want that relationship. So I find myself waiting for him. Thinking if he just saw me again, then he would want be back.

I'm afraid I'm going to spend my whole life waiting. This leads to...

2: No contact for two months. No. None. You think it will help, but it won't. You need two months to heal. Seeing him before then will set you back in the healing process. You need to get over him.

After all, Instacopy guy dumped me. Why should I even want to talk to him? Why do I want to be at least his friend? I should be angry or something. But the truth is I want to see him. I want to tell him about my day. Tell him how disiplined I've been in my writing since he left. Not to mention I don't want to get over him yet. I want to hold him in my arms. yeesh it's pathetic.

This is a hard rule for me. Not the least of which is we work across the street from each other. He lives four minutes from my house. There are few points in the day where I couldn't walk to where ever he happened to be.

To that end I decided to take a weekend trip. I went to the town that I attended college in. Hung out with those friends that made their home there after graduation. I needed to relax. Think about something else. Get away from dude. So I went to ground.

And it worked. At least alittle. My friends are truly wonderful people. One in particular (who shall remain even nicknameless because they read this blog and I don't want their head to swell with internet fame) helped me forget. At least for the weekend, my life wasn't about the man who dumped me or the Asshat I left before that. It was about fun, and friends, and to some extent, writing.

Then, coming home was like coming back to my problems. I guess I had hoped they would go away when I was gone. No such luck. They were waiting for me. My memories were waiting. My bed was too big for the one person in it. But then, I'm smart enough to know that a weekend fixes nothing.

It did remind me of something. Before the emotional grab bag that has been my life lately, I was someone. Complete. Loved. My life wasn't about who I dumped or who dumped me. It was just a life. A good one.

I want that again. That's the girl I want to be. In or out of relationship.