All the Single Ladies

Friday, May 28, 2010

Confession: A promise broken

I had a moment of weakness last night and I am sorry for it. I read his blog. All of it, every entry since we last talked. I hate breaking promises like that. Especially to myself.

I'm not really sure why I did it either. I haven't really been thinking of him since I started seeing Instacopy Guy. And maybe didthat is why I did it. For Instacopy guy. I need to be absolutely done with Asshat.

But also, I'm kinda glad I did it. I learned alot from his blog. The first thing is that he is angry with me, but he doesn't hate me. Thats good, I never wanted him to hate me. But I learned something else as well. After reading all the things that he has written about me, I realise he didn't really know me at all. The girl he knew, the one he loved, she looked like me and liked alot of the same things. But she wasn't me. She was someone who liked to see him hurt, who didn't love him, and in her heart of hearts probably thought he was going to hell. No wonder he could never trust me. The girl he knew was foul. It makes me wonder why he did love.

This is a painful thing to note, because it means our relationship never stood a chance, but its useful too.

I lost nothing when I left him. He didn't even know who I am. It's like we were strangers.

I was also able to read things about him kissing his girl best friend (interestingly a story he told with no sense of irony at all) with no twinges of jealousy. I didn't care at all. And then when they broke it off, I wasn't secretly happy. I don't care.

So with that, I'm going to hammer the final nails down on the coffin of our relationship. I won't talk about him here again I expect, and I am releasing my heart of anger toward him. It was a misunderstanding. He just didn't love me, he loved ghost me, so of course she slipped through is fingers, like a very slippy thing.

Now I can focus on Instacopy Guy, because something might be happening there. Which, by the way, terrifying. To listen to my heart again after it was so recently proved an idiot. But thats what we do, us humans. Listen to the heart again and again, even after it is wrong. Because one day, it is going to be right. And oh how we want that day.


Saturday, May 22, 2010

The Dating world.

I don't date. I relationship.

This is largely because dating is sooo... uncertain. I don't like not knowing where I stand and when you are dating, you are on a constantly shifting plane of very soft sand. Keeping your footing is nearly impossible.

Not that relationshiping is any easier, but you know, at least you usually know where you stand. I mean, your being exclusive, so you at least like the person they probably like you too.

Anyway: My Date with Instacopy Guy.

It was fantastic. The wine was yummy, the guy was a sharp dresser AND a good conversationalist. We sat and talked for several hours, about books and comic books, and politics and writing. We laughed and lost track of time, staying till well after the place had technically closed.

He was a gentlemen too, letting me go first and not sitting till I had sat. It was probably the best first date I've ever had. We didn't even seem to be that nervous.

So whats the problem, you may ask. Well it's this: I like him. A lot. While that might not immediately seem like a problem, you'd be surprised.

As I was driving home, I was all smiles, thinking of what we said and how much I liked him. Then I realized. What if he doesn't like me? He hadn't secured a second date after all. And if I have learned anything from "He's just not that into you" it's that a guy will secure a second date if he wants one. I started to worry. I mean, I'm alittle younger than him, what if that bothers him. And I don't keep up with music the way he does. Maybe that underwhelms him. I've never been so nervous.

And that's dating. It is a roller coaster ride for your ego. The ups and downs. The what if I'm not pretty or smart enoughs and the what if he doesn't like the fact I have funny teeth or am short. The what if my laugh is too nasallies are followed immediately by the I am so lucky and he makes me feel specials.

Dating is stressful. I guess we are supposed to be confident, realize we are worthy and that the right guy will see that. It's just easier said than done. Most of the time, I know I am a pretty cool lady, but when I am looking at a silent phone all night, it is hard not to question.

Then, however, something wonderful happened. He asked me out to coffee tonight. And the rollercoast went up again. YES!

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Single Girls guide: Getting dates

One of our biggest concerns as a single lady is getting a date. I know, it's sad. We need to be indepedant, happy without a man, active and wonderful. All that. But the truth is that most of us don't like being single. So we are looking for the next one. They guy who could be the one, or even the guy who'll pay for dinner or go to the grocery store with us.

How do we procure these date?

To be honest, I have no idea. I've spent a rather large part of my life single because I have no clue how to get a guy to ask me out (asking them out is clearly out of the question). In fact, I've never actually dated someone who I liked beforehand. I'm always like "youre ok, I'll give it a shot," and then I grow to like them.

Until now.

That's right, that guy I was telling you (henseforth known as instacopy guy) about asked me to a winery. Not officially a date, but numbers were exchanged and I am super stoked! But I am left with one resounding question: how did I do it? I liked a guy, the guy asked me out. I don't know what connected these two events. The only possibilties I can think of are these: I told him I broke up with my boyfriend and I spent some amount of time trying to convince him that dragons really DO exist.

That's what guys like right? Dragons. Or delusional women?

Anyway, the date (not date) is going down tonight. I'll let you know.



Saturday, May 15, 2010

I know it has been a tiny bit since I have posted, which is strange, because I have had things to say. It has been a busy week emotionally.

One thing that happened is a found a little bit of peace. I realized it wasn't all his fault. You wouldn't think that would give me peace, but it does. You see, I am so tired of being angry at him for the things he did, and even more tired of feeling like I had no control over my life for 11 months. I was swimming in the deep end of an emotionally unhealthy love and felt like I was constantly drowning. Realizing that there were things I did wrong, it means I had some power over what happened. Sure I fucked up, but it was my fuck up. That's something I can learn from. I don't have to be angry about that.

So here's what he did wrong:

He assumed I would cheat/leave him for another man
He worked off that assumption
He treated my friends, and my best friend like the enemy
He sat outside in his car my entire birthday
He never apologized

Here is what I did wrong:

I let him assume I would cheat/ leave him: if I act like it is ok for him to treat me that way, then his gut tells him it's because I will.
I should have been firm about how he needed to trust me, not "understanding" I am a trustworthy person, and if I demanded that trust, it would have reassured him, not scared him away.
I acted out of my own fear.
I yelled, alot.

All of this came from reading a section of a random self help book I picked up while working ( I work at a bookstore btw). It said that with men who have problems with trust (read:asshat), you have to be firm, let them know it is not ok to treat you like a cheater. They are acting from gut instinct. Intellectually, asshat knew I was loyal to him, but his gut told him different. I could never find a way to reassure that gut. My instinct said I should be offended, but I pushed it down and tried to be understanding instead. Turns out, my gut was right. I should have been offended.

Another revelation this brought on was that sometimes, self help books can actually help. Who knew?

That said, I spent alot of the rest of the week realizing how angry I still am with him. I don't know when that will go away. I think it's fading, but occasionally the anger still rears up and punches me in the gut. And the force of it stops me in my tracks. I hate it.

The worst part of the anger is that I am afraid to find anyone else while I still feel it. I don't want to punish some poor innocent bloke for the things Asshat did.


Saturday, May 8, 2010

Something a little different

So most of the post here have been about how LadyLock and I need to get over our respective men. This is an important part of being single. The wounds we lick while we are in this stage. But it has neglected a major part of the single lifestyle.

The Crush.

When we are unattached we are free to look and free to like. I am happy to say I may have found my first post relationship crush. And it is in the early care free stages as opposed to the unfortunate pining away stages.

He is cute, he is some quality nerd and most important: he is fun to talk to. And since he is one of the regulars at the place I work, I get to talk/flirt with him on the clock.

There is really not alot more to the crush than that. So far, he is just some guy I kinda like. But it provides a nice distraction. I can picture fun future times with this guy and smile. I don't know if it will EVER be anything, because I am horrible at flirting and letting someone know that I like him, but for now it is just nice to think about it. And anyway, I am no where near over Asshat enough that I can actually pursue a relationship, but I am over him enough that I can think about it.
Yay! Welcome LadyLock!

So this week I hit what would have been Asshat and my one year anniversary. It would have been the first time that I ever celebrated that we someone. Instead, it was just a thursday. I spent alot of the day thinking, trying to figure out exactly how I felt. Did I miss him, was I feeling regret? Sadness? Relief that I was finally away from such a bloody mess?

The more I thought I about it, the more I kept repeating a phrase in my head: he was so blind, I gave him everything and he appreciated nothing. (I mean this literally. Once I decided we should share what we appreciated the other person doing about the problems. He said he couldn't because he couldn't think of anything I'd done.) I kept going over the laundry list of things I did for him, how I didn't see the best friend he had so much problems with except at church. How I didn't really see any of my friends because I devoted all my time to him. How I forced myself to eat spicy food because that was what he liked to cook, even though I have lied to friends before, claiming to be allergic to chile so I didn't have to eat it. How I learned how to bite my tongue during a debate right before it became arguement because he had anger issues even when debating horror versus sci fi. How I lied to my friends about the jerky things he did so the would like him more because he was so afraid they hated him.

Oh yeah, and my heart. I gave him that too.

So in other words, the way I feel is apparently angry. I am still very angry with him. I carry it with me everywhere and I never know what quiet moment well bring it out unbidden and roaring. And I hate that. I hated how angry I was the whole time I was with him. And now that I am rid of him, I still have to carry this anger around?

Damn. I can't wait to be over this shit.


Thursday, May 6, 2010

Lady Lock Enters!

Hello Single Ladies, or any other Singletons that are out there.

I am LadyLock. (Though I prefer to Pop!)
My story is somewhat different from Audrey5000. Aud5 is a freshly single woman, where as I, have been single for... hmmm... it's rounding on 3 years now. That's quite painful to admit. Sure I've have had my fair share of men since then, but nobody lasting, and I am coming to that point where I am very, very ready to NOT BE SINGLE anymore.
But alas, there seems to be a drought... in trout.
haha, you know, fish in the sea? and such...

Anyway, let's talk about HISTORY!
My last relationship, which was my first relationship, and happened to be my longest relationship, was for two years. And I loved him very, very much.
BUT! He broke up with me because he thought he might have a second chance with his EX-girlfriend. He told me that he rather break up with me, than see her around and end up cheating on me with her. I appreciated his honest. But the sad part is, (ha, like that already wasn't the sad part) when he realized he made a mistake, (actually she rejected him), he wanted to come back to me. And I would have let him, but then, where would I be? What kind of a relationship would that be? How on earth would I know if he even cares for me enough? I couldn't do it.

And after that, I hurt him in turn. After a lonely while I thought that maybe we SHOULD get back together, tugging at his chain, and then just when I reel him back in, I realized, well, no, that IS a bad idea. Dumping him before we even had a chance. So in turn we both hurt each other, and I don't know if he does, but I worry about him all the time. I mean I constantly think of my ex-boyfriend. And it's been three years for christ sake! And I still think about him so much. Sometimes I don't know if it is because there is nobody else around to take my mind off him, or that I still have feelings for him. Either way my head has been a mess for a very long time. And I caused it upon myself.

Well, that is my relationship history. But now i'm hungry, (i've been hungry) for someone new. Someone to take me out. I don't even know what dating is! Nobody has ever given me the chance to experience dating! Someone please! Don't keep me waiting!

Signing off,


Sunday, May 2, 2010

Plan B

I was thinking about my life. Because I do that. I'm introspective and whatnot. And I have a pattern. I'll be plugging along, totally happy with my life, my friends, my dog, my singleness. Then suddenly: Wham! I am hit with the crippling feeling of alone. And not just the, wa wa, I have no one to snuggle with tonight alone. I mean the I will be alone forever feeling.

I think it's because I've spent so much of my life single. Before Asshat I'd never had a relationship last longer than six months. There are also large amounts of time inbetween relationships, years sometimes. In a way this is a good thing, I've gotten pretty good at being single. Even though I am hurting now, I know how to deal with it. Patience and the right amount of venting. But sometimes when I count the years and I realize I've spent more time alone than I have with someone, I'm frightened. Maybe this is how I am meant to be. The girl who is always single. Sure she is witty and fun to talk to, but she'll always show up stag to parties.

Maybe it is why I dived into my last relationship so deeply. Maybe a part of me was thinking it was my last chance to not be alone. (ridiculous I know, I'm not that old)

I'm not saying I settled, I'm saying I clung. Unhealthily. Past the point where the relationship was good for either of us. And I'm sure this clinging did no favors to a relationship that was already tricky.

So the point to this story is that I have developed a plan. I can't guarantee that I will find someone. In ten years it is entirely possible that I could still be that ever so shameful single. But I can promise myself that I won't be alone. I will have someone to love, some one who will love me back.

When I turn 30, six years from now, if I am still single, with little to no prospects. I'm going to adopt a child.

No, a child is not a boyfriend. A child will not take me to the movies or by me flowers. But I can hold him/or her when they are sad. I can laugh and love with them. Maybe I will miss out on one life stage. I don't know. But I won't miss out on being a mother. I don't have to be frightened of that anymore.