All the Single Ladies

Saturday, May 8, 2010

Something a little different

So most of the post here have been about how LadyLock and I need to get over our respective men. This is an important part of being single. The wounds we lick while we are in this stage. But it has neglected a major part of the single lifestyle.

The Crush.

When we are unattached we are free to look and free to like. I am happy to say I may have found my first post relationship crush. And it is in the early care free stages as opposed to the unfortunate pining away stages.

He is cute, he is some quality nerd and most important: he is fun to talk to. And since he is one of the regulars at the place I work, I get to talk/flirt with him on the clock.

There is really not alot more to the crush than that. So far, he is just some guy I kinda like. But it provides a nice distraction. I can picture fun future times with this guy and smile. I don't know if it will EVER be anything, because I am horrible at flirting and letting someone know that I like him, but for now it is just nice to think about it. And anyway, I am no where near over Asshat enough that I can actually pursue a relationship, but I am over him enough that I can think about it.
Yay! Welcome LadyLock!

So this week I hit what would have been Asshat and my one year anniversary. It would have been the first time that I ever celebrated that we someone. Instead, it was just a thursday. I spent alot of the day thinking, trying to figure out exactly how I felt. Did I miss him, was I feeling regret? Sadness? Relief that I was finally away from such a bloody mess?

The more I thought I about it, the more I kept repeating a phrase in my head: he was so blind, I gave him everything and he appreciated nothing. (I mean this literally. Once I decided we should share what we appreciated the other person doing about the problems. He said he couldn't because he couldn't think of anything I'd done.) I kept going over the laundry list of things I did for him, how I didn't see the best friend he had so much problems with except at church. How I didn't really see any of my friends because I devoted all my time to him. How I forced myself to eat spicy food because that was what he liked to cook, even though I have lied to friends before, claiming to be allergic to chile so I didn't have to eat it. How I learned how to bite my tongue during a debate right before it became arguement because he had anger issues even when debating horror versus sci fi. How I lied to my friends about the jerky things he did so the would like him more because he was so afraid they hated him.

Oh yeah, and my heart. I gave him that too.

So in other words, the way I feel is apparently angry. I am still very angry with him. I carry it with me everywhere and I never know what quiet moment well bring it out unbidden and roaring. And I hate that. I hated how angry I was the whole time I was with him. And now that I am rid of him, I still have to carry this anger around?

Damn. I can't wait to be over this shit.