All the Single Ladies

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

The single (not really) girls guide to long distance relationships

The world we live in is a global one. Right now, you are sitting comfortably( I hope) at home reading words that I have written God knows how many miles away. It's fairly fantastic.

This does mean that you are, likely as not, going to experience some form of long distance relationship in your life time.

That's what I am doing now. Which is because, needless to say, Old Flame and I are doing well. We are, relationshiping in fact. But, he lives about four hours away from me, so it is a relationship unlike any I've had before.

Here are some tips I've learned.

Technology is your friend. Texting, phoning, instant messaging and Webcamming are all your friends (get you minds outta the gutter). This world is global for a reason. Technology will help you with your budding romance.

Conversation has to be a big part of the relationship. I gotta say, I love this part. I love the sound of my own voice, and the idea that words and language are making our relationship possible appeals to me greatly.

I'm lucky, mine is more of a middle distance relationship than a long one. Four hours is short enough that I can visit on a monthly basis. But no matter the distance, visit when you can. And when you are visiting. Revel in it. It's a special time for you two-- now this doesn't mean you should ignore problems or pretend everything is perfect if it isn't, just remember you don't get to hold your fella everyday, so enjoy it when you can.

Let the good outweigh the frustrations. Yes, it is frustrating that when he has a bad day, I can't be there to try and make it better. Or that after talking half the night on the phone I can't have a goodnight kiss. But! It's also freeing to do my own thing without guilt that I am ignoring him. And kinda reassuring that he is doing the same. It's also nice to exercise the kinda trust that a long distance relationship requires and to feel it returned.

Don't make it forever. It is only going to get harder, so make plans. I am. Hoping for a future can do a lot to keep the present in perspective.

SOOOOOO. To summarize. I miss him sometimes, but I would rather miss a guy that's right for me than sit next to one who is wrong for me everyday of the week. My experience is that with the right guy, it's not quite as hard as it first seems to be.


Sunday, August 15, 2010

a princess

I was sitting next to a young mother and her toddler today in church. We (me and the toddler) were playing hippos.

"Do the the hippos wanna get Mommy?"
"No, that's called a princess" he lisps and points to his mother.

His mother smiles. Tells me she doesn't wear skirts that often.

This is clearly the key to happiness. Having one person believe your a princess, even if you have to dress up a bit.

Saturday, August 14, 2010

Old flame

So remember when I said I was good at being single?

Well, when I was younger, I was very awkward and didn't have grace or breasts to speak of, what I'm saying is, I didn't get many dates. All through high school I spent my friday nights with a good book.

I grew up, I started dating in college. Some fridays were filled. But in general, I was single. And like I said, good at it. But I am getting the feeling that I am not so good at it now.

I don't know if the universe is telling me I have some time to make up for, or if I am getting clingy as I get older or what. But I can't say I'm 1oo% single anymore.

Let me back up. Let me tell you a bit about Old Flame (yes fine, he has a nickname now). In college he and I were very good friends. We could talk for hours, and did. We could disagree and be amiable about it. We could talk Sci fi and emotions. We also had quite a bit of what I'll call face contact. It was nice. But for one reason or another we never really committed to a relationship. The timing was always off. And we were close enough friends, it didn't matter too much.

Lets fast forward to my trip to College town a few weeks ago. I am still spinning from Instacopy guy and to some extent Asshat as well. I am not in the emotional state for a new relationship. And yet, Old Flame got extra flamey anyway.

The great thing is, with him I don't have to hide anything. He knows me. He already knows my crazy. I don't have to spend time trying to impress him, because he spent like five years getting to know me and is apparently impressed. I don't feel like I am on a roller coaster with this guy. I feel safe to be me.

At this point, we don't really know what we're doing. But we are clearly doing something. Talking more often, being sappy, enjoying each others company very thoughly. It's good for me and I hope, good for him.

But I probably don't get to say I am good at being single anymore. Because apparently I kinda suck at it. Sorry, your getting a guide on being single from someone this bad at it.


Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Goodbye to you

I took my time with this one, getting over Instacopy Guy. Since it was such a short relationship, it shouldn't take long. I should have been back on the saddle straight away.

But I felt so strongly so fast, I definitely needed to take some time to decompress. So I didn't put a time limit on my mourning. Whatever emotions I needed to feel I felt. Thats fine.

But I think I'm done. He was a cool guy, for sure, but he obviously is not at the point in his life where he wants the relationship we had. I don't think it had anything to do with me. Or us. He just didn't want it. And honestly, thats ok. At least he had the decency to cut it off early. And to do it like a gentlemen (Unlike another ex we can all think of).

But I want that relationship. I want a love that touches me deep. That makes me feel like I am swiminning in the sea, and the undertow keeps pulling me deeper, but instead of scared, I know at the end I'm safe.

I want the kinda love they write power ballads about.

So, goodbye instacopy guy.

Hello whatever is next.

(Next post I may tell you about Old Flame. Not sure though.)

Monday, August 2, 2010

The woman I want to be

So I said I want to be the person I was before. Thats not exactly true. I've learned alot in the last year and a half. I have matured. I know what I want from life. Going back to the girl I was would be just that, going back.

But that girl does have some qualities that the woman I am becoming seems to lack:

1: being alone. I used to spend a good deal of time alone, and I liked it. Now, the silence of it makes me anxious. I try and fill my lonely hours with movies, facebook, texting anything so I don't feel alone. And that's pathetic. Time alone isn't necessarily time away from others, it is time with yourself. Important, and something that I have seriously been neglecting.

2: Productivity: In college, I got shit done. I was on time with all my reports, my stories and poetry. I even had side projects. Now I let a day job take all my energy and spend free time doing nothing productive (though often fun).

3; Going somewhere: I felt like my future was open to me. It didn't matter what path I took because paths were infinite. Now all I feel are the doors shutting around me. I am terrified of burning bridges. I don't want to miss out on opportunity, but I am also afraid of risking the stablity that I have.

These qualities haven't left me. I know it. They are in me, I have just let a year and a half of going no where bury them.

I'm working on it though. I am writing more (though probably not enough). I applied to some jobs in another city, which is exciting because I'll be leaving things behind, making a fresh start and taking a chance. It's frightening though because I have nested where I am. It is my home, there is a lot wrong with it and frankly the life I made here is kinda slipshod right now, but it is home.

But it's a start.

There's something else in my life too. Something exciting. But I'm not sure I want to post about it just yet. I don't want to jinx it.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

A brief thought of empowerment on a rather sad trip to get ice cream alone

I am a pretty awesome person generally. Maybe I need to spend my time with people who realize this AND act accordingly.

Le Sigh.

I read this book. It's Called a Breakup Because it is Broken. The first thing I wanna note with this book is: wow, I've become the kind of person who reads self help books cover to cover. But also, it had some good advice, two points in particular that seem particularly poignant.

1: He wouldn't have broken up with me if he wanted to be with me. I.E. I need to stop thinking Instacopy guy is just going to appear suddenly, realizing he made a huge mistake and wanting another shot. I gave him another shot. He passed it up. Guys don't do that with the girl of their dreams. They just don't.

This is really hard for me though. Mostly because the relationship seemed so easy. We got along very well. There was chemistry. We made good friends with the others friends. I just have a hard time accepting that he doesn't want that relationship. So I find myself waiting for him. Thinking if he just saw me again, then he would want be back.

I'm afraid I'm going to spend my whole life waiting. This leads to...

2: No contact for two months. No. None. You think it will help, but it won't. You need two months to heal. Seeing him before then will set you back in the healing process. You need to get over him.

After all, Instacopy guy dumped me. Why should I even want to talk to him? Why do I want to be at least his friend? I should be angry or something. But the truth is I want to see him. I want to tell him about my day. Tell him how disiplined I've been in my writing since he left. Not to mention I don't want to get over him yet. I want to hold him in my arms. yeesh it's pathetic.

This is a hard rule for me. Not the least of which is we work across the street from each other. He lives four minutes from my house. There are few points in the day where I couldn't walk to where ever he happened to be.

To that end I decided to take a weekend trip. I went to the town that I attended college in. Hung out with those friends that made their home there after graduation. I needed to relax. Think about something else. Get away from dude. So I went to ground.

And it worked. At least alittle. My friends are truly wonderful people. One in particular (who shall remain even nicknameless because they read this blog and I don't want their head to swell with internet fame) helped me forget. At least for the weekend, my life wasn't about the man who dumped me or the Asshat I left before that. It was about fun, and friends, and to some extent, writing.

Then, coming home was like coming back to my problems. I guess I had hoped they would go away when I was gone. No such luck. They were waiting for me. My memories were waiting. My bed was too big for the one person in it. But then, I'm smart enough to know that a weekend fixes nothing.

It did remind me of something. Before the emotional grab bag that has been my life lately, I was someone. Complete. Loved. My life wasn't about who I dumped or who dumped me. It was just a life. A good one.

I want that again. That's the girl I want to be. In or out of relationship.

Sunday, July 18, 2010


He doesn't want me. Not like I want him. Talking to him I figured that out. His story was still one of protection, that he wanted to keep from hurting me anymore than he had too. But I could tell this time. My head wasn't spinning from shock and I could see. He isn't falling for me. He doesn't know if he ever will. It hurts.

But, my heart. It opened for him. I let him in. And alot of that was because of him. He was kind, and funny. He was a whole person and I wanted him to be a part of my life.

But it was my heart that opened. My heart that found the strength hope for something wonderful. Even after everything that I've been through. It's not a shell or a shield, it's not just a bloody fist, pumping away with medical precision.

I'm glad he showed me that at least. That I am not the creature of temper and hate. And I'm glad I have this heart.

Friday, July 16, 2010

Denial or Confidence?

Screw this.

I'm going to get him back. I care about him so much after such a little time, I can't just let him go. I know that he has decided. But I decide something too, I decide that I don't want to cut this relationship off at the knees.

We were in the honeymoon of the relationship, where everything feels exciting and new and your learning about each other. It's a great time and important to the relationship. But it isn't what defines one. Its the snags and how you handle them. I don't want to run, I know he is scared of something, I don't know what. I have tons of theories, because well, I'm a girl. We theorize. But here is my hope, my goal if you will. I want to convince him not to act on that fear. I want to get him to trust me that a relationship will me is not a trap.

Most of the time I believe I can do it.

Some of the time, I think about how little sense him breaking up with me made. And I think, was it just an excuse. Does he actually not like me that much and he just didn't want to hurt my feelings. He is a good guy, so maybe he just couldn't bare to say to me, "Audry5000 you're cool and all, but I don't LIKE you like you."

I think of this and I would cry like a baby. Except I cried out too many tears and I don't have anymore left for the day, so my face just scruncies up really ugly. It's very flattering.

There is another part of me. The one that recognizes I have to respect him. I can't stalk him, I can't bug him. So, basically, I get one chance. I am going to present my case. Try not to cry while I do... and then it's in his court. Hopefully it's enough, I don't know. I hope so.

Also, dating sucks.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Huh. Remember me?

I was all, "I'm totally 'relationshipping' and we're going to fall in love and be together forever." and "aren't I so lucky" Yeah. That was me. Smug and stoked.

Well it lasted alittle more than a month and a half. Being with Instacopy guy was bliss indeed. We went to the movies, cuddled on the couch. Played fetch with my dog. The best part was, I felt my heart opening like a flower. I didn't think it would ever open again, or at least not for a very long time. But for this one, I fell. Hard.

And then yesterday he dumped me.

I felt like someone pulled a rug out from under me. He said it was nothing I did that he was broken (another one) and I deserved better. But I don't feel like I deserve better. I don't feel like I was settling. I felt in love. Already.

I feel it still. I think I am in denial. I think I need to get him back. I think it didn't happen. I think my brain is collapsing from the weight of my heart which is a metaphor that doesn't even close to make sense.

But here is what I know. Dating sucks.


Sunday, June 27, 2010


So, ya. It's been a while since I posted.

Thats largely because I've become what one of my friends called "the enemy," because while I can still check the single box on tax forms, I can't really say that in any other way. Yes, true to form I am again relationshiping. With Instacopy guy.

so first of Squeee!!!!!!

Second off, i'd like to register how baffled I am. I feel as though I won the lottery. And after so much bitter feelings. It's wonderful.

But I'm not sure this is the venue to gush about my new fella. I created this blog as an outlet for pain, and impatience. And empowerment of course. While I hope to still be empowered, I don't know that the others really apply.

So I've been quiet for a while. And will probably remain so. LadyLock, I leave you in charge. I may post, but I don't know. You might do better to follow my doings at my other blog

Anyway, good luck ladies!

Friday, May 28, 2010

Confession: A promise broken

I had a moment of weakness last night and I am sorry for it. I read his blog. All of it, every entry since we last talked. I hate breaking promises like that. Especially to myself.

I'm not really sure why I did it either. I haven't really been thinking of him since I started seeing Instacopy Guy. And maybe didthat is why I did it. For Instacopy guy. I need to be absolutely done with Asshat.

But also, I'm kinda glad I did it. I learned alot from his blog. The first thing is that he is angry with me, but he doesn't hate me. Thats good, I never wanted him to hate me. But I learned something else as well. After reading all the things that he has written about me, I realise he didn't really know me at all. The girl he knew, the one he loved, she looked like me and liked alot of the same things. But she wasn't me. She was someone who liked to see him hurt, who didn't love him, and in her heart of hearts probably thought he was going to hell. No wonder he could never trust me. The girl he knew was foul. It makes me wonder why he did love.

This is a painful thing to note, because it means our relationship never stood a chance, but its useful too.

I lost nothing when I left him. He didn't even know who I am. It's like we were strangers.

I was also able to read things about him kissing his girl best friend (interestingly a story he told with no sense of irony at all) with no twinges of jealousy. I didn't care at all. And then when they broke it off, I wasn't secretly happy. I don't care.

So with that, I'm going to hammer the final nails down on the coffin of our relationship. I won't talk about him here again I expect, and I am releasing my heart of anger toward him. It was a misunderstanding. He just didn't love me, he loved ghost me, so of course she slipped through is fingers, like a very slippy thing.

Now I can focus on Instacopy Guy, because something might be happening there. Which, by the way, terrifying. To listen to my heart again after it was so recently proved an idiot. But thats what we do, us humans. Listen to the heart again and again, even after it is wrong. Because one day, it is going to be right. And oh how we want that day.


Saturday, May 22, 2010

The Dating world.

I don't date. I relationship.

This is largely because dating is sooo... uncertain. I don't like not knowing where I stand and when you are dating, you are on a constantly shifting plane of very soft sand. Keeping your footing is nearly impossible.

Not that relationshiping is any easier, but you know, at least you usually know where you stand. I mean, your being exclusive, so you at least like the person they probably like you too.

Anyway: My Date with Instacopy Guy.

It was fantastic. The wine was yummy, the guy was a sharp dresser AND a good conversationalist. We sat and talked for several hours, about books and comic books, and politics and writing. We laughed and lost track of time, staying till well after the place had technically closed.

He was a gentlemen too, letting me go first and not sitting till I had sat. It was probably the best first date I've ever had. We didn't even seem to be that nervous.

So whats the problem, you may ask. Well it's this: I like him. A lot. While that might not immediately seem like a problem, you'd be surprised.

As I was driving home, I was all smiles, thinking of what we said and how much I liked him. Then I realized. What if he doesn't like me? He hadn't secured a second date after all. And if I have learned anything from "He's just not that into you" it's that a guy will secure a second date if he wants one. I started to worry. I mean, I'm alittle younger than him, what if that bothers him. And I don't keep up with music the way he does. Maybe that underwhelms him. I've never been so nervous.

And that's dating. It is a roller coaster ride for your ego. The ups and downs. The what if I'm not pretty or smart enoughs and the what if he doesn't like the fact I have funny teeth or am short. The what if my laugh is too nasallies are followed immediately by the I am so lucky and he makes me feel specials.

Dating is stressful. I guess we are supposed to be confident, realize we are worthy and that the right guy will see that. It's just easier said than done. Most of the time, I know I am a pretty cool lady, but when I am looking at a silent phone all night, it is hard not to question.

Then, however, something wonderful happened. He asked me out to coffee tonight. And the rollercoast went up again. YES!

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Single Girls guide: Getting dates

One of our biggest concerns as a single lady is getting a date. I know, it's sad. We need to be indepedant, happy without a man, active and wonderful. All that. But the truth is that most of us don't like being single. So we are looking for the next one. They guy who could be the one, or even the guy who'll pay for dinner or go to the grocery store with us.

How do we procure these date?

To be honest, I have no idea. I've spent a rather large part of my life single because I have no clue how to get a guy to ask me out (asking them out is clearly out of the question). In fact, I've never actually dated someone who I liked beforehand. I'm always like "youre ok, I'll give it a shot," and then I grow to like them.

Until now.

That's right, that guy I was telling you (henseforth known as instacopy guy) about asked me to a winery. Not officially a date, but numbers were exchanged and I am super stoked! But I am left with one resounding question: how did I do it? I liked a guy, the guy asked me out. I don't know what connected these two events. The only possibilties I can think of are these: I told him I broke up with my boyfriend and I spent some amount of time trying to convince him that dragons really DO exist.

That's what guys like right? Dragons. Or delusional women?

Anyway, the date (not date) is going down tonight. I'll let you know.



Saturday, May 15, 2010

I know it has been a tiny bit since I have posted, which is strange, because I have had things to say. It has been a busy week emotionally.

One thing that happened is a found a little bit of peace. I realized it wasn't all his fault. You wouldn't think that would give me peace, but it does. You see, I am so tired of being angry at him for the things he did, and even more tired of feeling like I had no control over my life for 11 months. I was swimming in the deep end of an emotionally unhealthy love and felt like I was constantly drowning. Realizing that there were things I did wrong, it means I had some power over what happened. Sure I fucked up, but it was my fuck up. That's something I can learn from. I don't have to be angry about that.

So here's what he did wrong:

He assumed I would cheat/leave him for another man
He worked off that assumption
He treated my friends, and my best friend like the enemy
He sat outside in his car my entire birthday
He never apologized

Here is what I did wrong:

I let him assume I would cheat/ leave him: if I act like it is ok for him to treat me that way, then his gut tells him it's because I will.
I should have been firm about how he needed to trust me, not "understanding" I am a trustworthy person, and if I demanded that trust, it would have reassured him, not scared him away.
I acted out of my own fear.
I yelled, alot.

All of this came from reading a section of a random self help book I picked up while working ( I work at a bookstore btw). It said that with men who have problems with trust (read:asshat), you have to be firm, let them know it is not ok to treat you like a cheater. They are acting from gut instinct. Intellectually, asshat knew I was loyal to him, but his gut told him different. I could never find a way to reassure that gut. My instinct said I should be offended, but I pushed it down and tried to be understanding instead. Turns out, my gut was right. I should have been offended.

Another revelation this brought on was that sometimes, self help books can actually help. Who knew?

That said, I spent alot of the rest of the week realizing how angry I still am with him. I don't know when that will go away. I think it's fading, but occasionally the anger still rears up and punches me in the gut. And the force of it stops me in my tracks. I hate it.

The worst part of the anger is that I am afraid to find anyone else while I still feel it. I don't want to punish some poor innocent bloke for the things Asshat did.


Saturday, May 8, 2010

Something a little different

So most of the post here have been about how LadyLock and I need to get over our respective men. This is an important part of being single. The wounds we lick while we are in this stage. But it has neglected a major part of the single lifestyle.

The Crush.

When we are unattached we are free to look and free to like. I am happy to say I may have found my first post relationship crush. And it is in the early care free stages as opposed to the unfortunate pining away stages.

He is cute, he is some quality nerd and most important: he is fun to talk to. And since he is one of the regulars at the place I work, I get to talk/flirt with him on the clock.

There is really not alot more to the crush than that. So far, he is just some guy I kinda like. But it provides a nice distraction. I can picture fun future times with this guy and smile. I don't know if it will EVER be anything, because I am horrible at flirting and letting someone know that I like him, but for now it is just nice to think about it. And anyway, I am no where near over Asshat enough that I can actually pursue a relationship, but I am over him enough that I can think about it.
Yay! Welcome LadyLock!

So this week I hit what would have been Asshat and my one year anniversary. It would have been the first time that I ever celebrated that we someone. Instead, it was just a thursday. I spent alot of the day thinking, trying to figure out exactly how I felt. Did I miss him, was I feeling regret? Sadness? Relief that I was finally away from such a bloody mess?

The more I thought I about it, the more I kept repeating a phrase in my head: he was so blind, I gave him everything and he appreciated nothing. (I mean this literally. Once I decided we should share what we appreciated the other person doing about the problems. He said he couldn't because he couldn't think of anything I'd done.) I kept going over the laundry list of things I did for him, how I didn't see the best friend he had so much problems with except at church. How I didn't really see any of my friends because I devoted all my time to him. How I forced myself to eat spicy food because that was what he liked to cook, even though I have lied to friends before, claiming to be allergic to chile so I didn't have to eat it. How I learned how to bite my tongue during a debate right before it became arguement because he had anger issues even when debating horror versus sci fi. How I lied to my friends about the jerky things he did so the would like him more because he was so afraid they hated him.

Oh yeah, and my heart. I gave him that too.

So in other words, the way I feel is apparently angry. I am still very angry with him. I carry it with me everywhere and I never know what quiet moment well bring it out unbidden and roaring. And I hate that. I hated how angry I was the whole time I was with him. And now that I am rid of him, I still have to carry this anger around?

Damn. I can't wait to be over this shit.


Thursday, May 6, 2010

Lady Lock Enters!

Hello Single Ladies, or any other Singletons that are out there.

I am LadyLock. (Though I prefer to Pop!)
My story is somewhat different from Audrey5000. Aud5 is a freshly single woman, where as I, have been single for... hmmm... it's rounding on 3 years now. That's quite painful to admit. Sure I've have had my fair share of men since then, but nobody lasting, and I am coming to that point where I am very, very ready to NOT BE SINGLE anymore.
But alas, there seems to be a drought... in trout.
haha, you know, fish in the sea? and such...

Anyway, let's talk about HISTORY!
My last relationship, which was my first relationship, and happened to be my longest relationship, was for two years. And I loved him very, very much.
BUT! He broke up with me because he thought he might have a second chance with his EX-girlfriend. He told me that he rather break up with me, than see her around and end up cheating on me with her. I appreciated his honest. But the sad part is, (ha, like that already wasn't the sad part) when he realized he made a mistake, (actually she rejected him), he wanted to come back to me. And I would have let him, but then, where would I be? What kind of a relationship would that be? How on earth would I know if he even cares for me enough? I couldn't do it.

And after that, I hurt him in turn. After a lonely while I thought that maybe we SHOULD get back together, tugging at his chain, and then just when I reel him back in, I realized, well, no, that IS a bad idea. Dumping him before we even had a chance. So in turn we both hurt each other, and I don't know if he does, but I worry about him all the time. I mean I constantly think of my ex-boyfriend. And it's been three years for christ sake! And I still think about him so much. Sometimes I don't know if it is because there is nobody else around to take my mind off him, or that I still have feelings for him. Either way my head has been a mess for a very long time. And I caused it upon myself.

Well, that is my relationship history. But now i'm hungry, (i've been hungry) for someone new. Someone to take me out. I don't even know what dating is! Nobody has ever given me the chance to experience dating! Someone please! Don't keep me waiting!

Signing off,


Sunday, May 2, 2010

Plan B

I was thinking about my life. Because I do that. I'm introspective and whatnot. And I have a pattern. I'll be plugging along, totally happy with my life, my friends, my dog, my singleness. Then suddenly: Wham! I am hit with the crippling feeling of alone. And not just the, wa wa, I have no one to snuggle with tonight alone. I mean the I will be alone forever feeling.

I think it's because I've spent so much of my life single. Before Asshat I'd never had a relationship last longer than six months. There are also large amounts of time inbetween relationships, years sometimes. In a way this is a good thing, I've gotten pretty good at being single. Even though I am hurting now, I know how to deal with it. Patience and the right amount of venting. But sometimes when I count the years and I realize I've spent more time alone than I have with someone, I'm frightened. Maybe this is how I am meant to be. The girl who is always single. Sure she is witty and fun to talk to, but she'll always show up stag to parties.

Maybe it is why I dived into my last relationship so deeply. Maybe a part of me was thinking it was my last chance to not be alone. (ridiculous I know, I'm not that old)

I'm not saying I settled, I'm saying I clung. Unhealthily. Past the point where the relationship was good for either of us. And I'm sure this clinging did no favors to a relationship that was already tricky.

So the point to this story is that I have developed a plan. I can't guarantee that I will find someone. In ten years it is entirely possible that I could still be that ever so shameful single. But I can promise myself that I won't be alone. I will have someone to love, some one who will love me back.

When I turn 30, six years from now, if I am still single, with little to no prospects. I'm going to adopt a child.

No, a child is not a boyfriend. A child will not take me to the movies or by me flowers. But I can hold him/or her when they are sad. I can laugh and love with them. Maybe I will miss out on one life stage. I don't know. But I won't miss out on being a mother. I don't have to be frightened of that anymore.


Friday, April 30, 2010

Another Friday

So this friday wasn't quite as awesome as far as finding things to fill my time. I tried to fill it will nerd. A Magic card tournament. Yes, I admit it. I am a nerd. I even picked my screen name because I thought it sounded like a robot.

But it turned out I was too late. They were already drafting by the time I got there. So I was faced with the prospect of going home to an empty house, or staying and watching.

So I stayed, I watched. It wasn't the best night ever, but they were nerds. Those are my kinda people. I chatted while they played.

And you know what, it was ok. Not awesome. Not the best. But it was ok.

I call that a victory.

Monday, April 26, 2010

The park

Today was surprisingly tricky. There wasn't anything special about it, but sometimes sorrow and regret and hit you with no warning, like a sudden wind, blowing cold right through you. When I got home today it hit. I missed him, or at the very least the idea of him. Yes he was horrible to me sometimes, yes he was controlling without even realizing it. Yes he thought Cormac McCarthy was a hack ( I mean come on, the Road rocked). But sometimes he was also sweet, and intuitive. I loved him, Today I missed him,

So I did something a little dumb and a little wise. I'm not sure which in larger proportion.

I went to the park. Only it wasn't just a park, it was our park. The one we talked in, the one we played in. I went today and I walked my dog, played fetch, read alittle. Here's why it was wise. I need to reclaim things as "mine." I was taking my pup to that park long before I dated Asshat. I don't need to cross everything out of my life that he participated in, there would be to much to cross out.

Here's why it was dumb. I kept expecting to see him. I knew there was no reason for him to be there, but I expected it, I wanted it. I don't know if I wanted it because I wanted to apologize, or because I wanted to ream him.

I know I was right to leave. He didn't trust me at all. He treated me like a dog that was going to run away the first opportunity it got. And him treating me that way, well it made running the only option didn't it? Can't live on a leash. But...

But I don't know. I still feel like I want something from him. I'm not at all sure what but the closest I can figure is I want him to agree. Me leaving was the best thing. The only thing. I want validation.

That's not something I am ever going to get though. Not from him anyway. I need to let it go.


Saturday, April 24, 2010

Last night

Update on Fancy night with the girls.

It was awesome. We ate Italian and had fantastic wine from a local winery: St. Clairs. If you like wine I would definitely recommend them. They have more light sweet whites than you can shake a stick at, plus Mimbres red which is quite possibly my favorite red of all time. Yes it is that good.

I was wrong about the no boys part, at least alittle bit. you see, our waiter was shall we say, a fine specimen. Attractive and charming, as he is paid to be I am sure. He joked with us, tried some of our desert and was just lovely. It didn't hurt that we ended up a little champange faced. So everything was just alittle more wonderful.

I take this as a good sign. For me, champagne elevates whatever emotion I feel. When I am happy, it makes me more happy, the same with sad. I'll never forget the time I was drunk from champange and bailing, and left my best friend a largely incomprehensible voice mail about it. Good times.

Point is, if champagne made me giggly and happy, it means I was happy to begin with. A great start to being over Asshat I think. I was that happy on a Friday.


Friday, April 23, 2010


Fridays are hard for me. They were date night. In the entire 11 months I was with Asshat we missed a handful of fridays together. I think about him the most right now. Right after I get of work and slouch on the couch.

My plan is to find something fun and reassuring to fill Fridays so I don't wander over to his rather hateful blog and do some self loathing time. Tonight, fancy dinner with the girls. There will be lovely dresses, tasty wining and dining and, this is important folks. No PENISES. They aren't allowed. No. Not even the little ones. Or the gay ones. None.

In this way I hope to do more than mark time till I can go to sleep. Because after all, he wasn't really worth all this trouble.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

A look at the little things

I have a lot to bitch about lately, and I am pretty sure I will take the time to do so later, but not today.

Today I am going to stop and smell the roses, or look at what I have found fun about being single.

I have time to play with my pets. My dog and rat have been looking at me with "my mom doesn't feed me" eyes for a long time now.

I can take long showers. I found myself falling into his showering schedule and well, he was a man, showers were... well how do they live? Anyway, things get shaved and lotioned and primped now.

My sleep schedule is back on track. No more waiting up for a man who works night shifts. I sleep when I am tired.

The weekly fights are gone, which means I spend more time enjoying the world and less time coming up with the perfect comeback to whatever stupid thing we were arguing about. For instance, apparently rain smells good, the sun is nice, and there are funny people who shop at my store.

But best of all: my friends. I never had time with them before. Now I do and I love them. In particular I missed my best friend. You see, he is a boy. I used to have feelings for him. And Asshat is a jealous man. Who doesn't understand the past tense. Sigh. Hanging out with best friend usually meant a fight. I was very tired of fighting. You do the math.

Anyway, tonight my best friend and I watched a bunch of movies together. Ate pizza rolls. It was a very simple evening of hanging out. And it was wonderful. I didn't have to worry about getting an angry text during Sholin Soccer. There wasn't that awkward feeling like I was doing something wrong. I just spent time with a guy I've been friends with forever.

A simple joy. That's the kind that lasts.


PS no, I don't know when LadyLock will get on this thing. I'll poke her.

Monday, April 19, 2010


My last relationship was a turbulent one. My first adult relationship, and the first time I dived head first into love, lost myself in it. It was terrifying. Even during the good times I felt like my pulse was racing all the time. What if I wasn't myself when I came up for air?

In the process of the relationship, 11 months of ups and downs, love and hate, sex and screaming I learned a lot about myself. He could bring out the worst in me. Now that it's over, and I've seen that worst, I made some promises to myself, both about the break up and about the person that I want to be. I am going to post them here so that I am, at least to a degree, accountable for them.

Promises about him (Lets call him asshat)

1: I promise not to follow his blog, there is no relief there, only his anger.
2: I promise it won't hurt forever and that there is nothing wrong with me just because it does now.
3: I promise we loved each other. He can't take that from me, even though he tries to take it from himself.
4: I promise to learn from this. My next love will benefit from the mistakes we made.
5: There is no need to talk to him anymore. If I don't want to, I won't.

Promises about me:

1: I promise to love who I chose, no one can tell me what I feel.
2: I promise to remember who my friends are, they are my rock and my strong place.
3: I promise to forgive always. Those who wrong me and MYSELF.
4: I promise to move on from failure. Failure today does not mean failure tomorrow.
5: I promise to remember I am beautiful, inside and out. That beauty does not rely on what anyone thinks of me.
6: I promise to work on my temper. All that screaming was not ok. I'm an adult, I should act like one.
7: I promise I will go to Venice someday. I'll get lost and for once I won't be scared of it.


Sunday, April 18, 2010


Hi. My name is Audry5000 and I am a single girl.
It feels a little like alcoholics anonymous. Like I am confessing something. But there are so many of us out there. We don't all have men. Sometimes we can't find them, sometimes we have been burned so bad we don't want them. But girls are frequently single, and often embarassed.
No idea. But I know I want to find strength here. That's what I want to do here. Write the story of being single and alive. Document my strength and successes. Confide in you my failures. See what happens. My friend LadyLock will be joining us, but I will let her tell her story.
Welcome to a Single Girls Guide to Life,
My story is this: I am newly single. My dream guy turned out to not be so dreamy and I went through one of the messiest break ups of my life. We were together for almost a year and there were a lot of reasons I broke up with him. I'll probably end up going into them later, but for now suffice it to say, things got ugly. Then when I broke it off things got uglier. He got mean, I got mean. It was hurtful and cruel.
Here is the part that sucks. Even after he announced to the entire internet that I have cottage cheese thighs (not true I hope) I am still not over him. I still wake up wishing he was there. And he always resides in the quiet of my mind. Anger and affection, mixed up and painful. And I hate it. I want him gone. If I could wipe him from my mind Eternal Sunshine style I think I would right now. I can't. I have to put in the time.
Wanna do some time with me?