Today was surprisingly tricky. There wasn't anything special about it, but sometimes sorrow and regret and hit you with no warning, like a sudden wind, blowing cold right through you. When I got home today it hit. I missed him, or at the very least the idea of him. Yes he was horrible to me sometimes, yes he was controlling without even realizing it. Yes he thought Cormac McCarthy was a hack ( I mean come on, the Road rocked). But sometimes he was also sweet, and intuitive. I loved him, Today I missed him,
So I did something a little dumb and a little wise. I'm not sure which in larger proportion.
I went to the park. Only it wasn't just a park, it was our park. The one we talked in, the one we played in. I went today and I walked my dog, played fetch, read alittle. Here's why it was wise. I need to reclaim things as "mine." I was taking my pup to that park long before I dated Asshat. I don't need to cross everything out of my life that he participated in, there would be to much to cross out.
Here's why it was dumb. I kept expecting to see him. I knew there was no reason for him to be there, but I expected it, I wanted it. I don't know if I wanted it because I wanted to apologize, or because I wanted to ream him.
I know I was right to leave. He didn't trust me at all. He treated me like a dog that was going to run away the first opportunity it got. And him treating me that way, well it made running the only option didn't it? Can't live on a leash. But...
But I don't know. I still feel like I want something from him. I'm not at all sure what but the closest I can figure is I want him to agree. Me leaving was the best thing. The only thing. I want validation.
That's not something I am ever going to get though. Not from him anyway. I need to let it go.