All the Single Ladies

Friday, May 28, 2010

Confession: A promise broken

I had a moment of weakness last night and I am sorry for it. I read his blog. All of it, every entry since we last talked. I hate breaking promises like that. Especially to myself.

I'm not really sure why I did it either. I haven't really been thinking of him since I started seeing Instacopy Guy. And maybe didthat is why I did it. For Instacopy guy. I need to be absolutely done with Asshat.

But also, I'm kinda glad I did it. I learned alot from his blog. The first thing is that he is angry with me, but he doesn't hate me. Thats good, I never wanted him to hate me. But I learned something else as well. After reading all the things that he has written about me, I realise he didn't really know me at all. The girl he knew, the one he loved, she looked like me and liked alot of the same things. But she wasn't me. She was someone who liked to see him hurt, who didn't love him, and in her heart of hearts probably thought he was going to hell. No wonder he could never trust me. The girl he knew was foul. It makes me wonder why he did love.

This is a painful thing to note, because it means our relationship never stood a chance, but its useful too.

I lost nothing when I left him. He didn't even know who I am. It's like we were strangers.

I was also able to read things about him kissing his girl best friend (interestingly a story he told with no sense of irony at all) with no twinges of jealousy. I didn't care at all. And then when they broke it off, I wasn't secretly happy. I don't care.

So with that, I'm going to hammer the final nails down on the coffin of our relationship. I won't talk about him here again I expect, and I am releasing my heart of anger toward him. It was a misunderstanding. He just didn't love me, he loved ghost me, so of course she slipped through is fingers, like a very slippy thing.

Now I can focus on Instacopy Guy, because something might be happening there. Which, by the way, terrifying. To listen to my heart again after it was so recently proved an idiot. But thats what we do, us humans. Listen to the heart again and again, even after it is wrong. Because one day, it is going to be right. And oh how we want that day.


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