I was thinking about my life. Because I do that. I'm introspective and whatnot. And I have a pattern. I'll be plugging along, totally happy with my life, my friends, my dog, my singleness. Then suddenly: Wham! I am hit with the crippling feeling of alone. And not just the, wa wa, I have no one to snuggle with tonight alone. I mean the I will be alone forever feeling.
I think it's because I've spent so much of my life single. Before Asshat I'd never had a relationship last longer than six months. There are also large amounts of time inbetween relationships, years sometimes. In a way this is a good thing, I've gotten pretty good at being single. Even though I am hurting now, I know how to deal with it. Patience and the right amount of venting. But sometimes when I count the years and I realize I've spent more time alone than I have with someone, I'm frightened. Maybe this is how I am meant to be. The girl who is always single. Sure she is witty and fun to talk to, but she'll always show up stag to parties.
Maybe it is why I dived into my last relationship so deeply. Maybe a part of me was thinking it was my last chance to not be alone. (ridiculous I know, I'm not that old)
I'm not saying I settled, I'm saying I clung. Unhealthily. Past the point where the relationship was good for either of us. And I'm sure this clinging did no favors to a relationship that was already tricky.
So the point to this story is that I have developed a plan. I can't guarantee that I will find someone. In ten years it is entirely possible that I could still be that ever so shameful single. But I can promise myself that I won't be alone. I will have someone to love, some one who will love me back.
When I turn 30, six years from now, if I am still single, with little to no prospects. I'm going to adopt a child.
No, a child is not a boyfriend. A child will not take me to the movies or by me flowers. But I can hold him/or her when they are sad. I can laugh and love with them. Maybe I will miss out on one life stage. I don't know. But I won't miss out on being a mother. I don't have to be frightened of that anymore.