Yay! Welcome LadyLock!
So this week I hit what would have been Asshat and my one year anniversary. It would have been the first time that I ever celebrated that we someone. Instead, it was just a thursday. I spent alot of the day thinking, trying to figure out exactly how I felt. Did I miss him, was I feeling regret? Sadness? Relief that I was finally away from such a bloody mess?
The more I thought I about it, the more I kept repeating a phrase in my head: he was so blind, I gave him everything and he appreciated nothing. (I mean this literally. Once I decided we should share what we appreciated the other person doing about the problems. He said he couldn't because he couldn't think of anything I'd done.) I kept going over the laundry list of things I did for him, how I didn't see the best friend he had so much problems with except at church. How I didn't really see any of my friends because I devoted all my time to him. How I forced myself to eat spicy food because that was what he liked to cook, even though I have lied to friends before, claiming to be allergic to chile so I didn't have to eat it. How I learned how to bite my tongue during a debate right before it became arguement because he had anger issues even when debating horror versus sci fi. How I lied to my friends about the jerky things he did so the would like him more because he was so afraid they hated him.
Oh yeah, and my heart. I gave him that too.
So in other words, the way I feel is apparently angry. I am still very angry with him. I carry it with me everywhere and I never know what quiet moment well bring it out unbidden and roaring. And I hate that. I hated how angry I was the whole time I was with him. And now that I am rid of him, I still have to carry this anger around?
Damn. I can't wait to be over this shit.