So I said I want to be the person I was before. Thats not exactly true. I've learned alot in the last year and a half. I have matured. I know what I want from life. Going back to the girl I was would be just that, going back.
But that girl does have some qualities that the woman I am becoming seems to lack:
1: being alone. I used to spend a good deal of time alone, and I liked it. Now, the silence of it makes me anxious. I try and fill my lonely hours with movies, facebook, texting anything so I don't feel alone. And that's pathetic. Time alone isn't necessarily time away from others, it is time with yourself. Important, and something that I have seriously been neglecting.
2: Productivity: In college, I got shit done. I was on time with all my reports, my stories and poetry. I even had side projects. Now I let a day job take all my energy and spend free time doing nothing productive (though often fun).
3; Going somewhere: I felt like my future was open to me. It didn't matter what path I took because paths were infinite. Now all I feel are the doors shutting around me. I am terrified of burning bridges. I don't want to miss out on opportunity, but I am also afraid of risking the stablity that I have.
These qualities haven't left me. I know it. They are in me, I have just let a year and a half of going no where bury them.
I'm working on it though. I am writing more (though probably not enough). I applied to some jobs in another city, which is exciting because I'll be leaving things behind, making a fresh start and taking a chance. It's frightening though because I have nested where I am. It is my home, there is a lot wrong with it and frankly the life I made here is kinda slipshod right now, but it is home.
But it's a start.
There's something else in my life too. Something exciting. But I'm not sure I want to post about it just yet. I don't want to jinx it.