Plan B

I was thinking about my life. Because I do that. I'm introspective and whatnot. And I have a pattern. I'll be plugging along, totally happy with my life, my friends, my dog, my singleness. Then suddenly: Wham! I am hit with the crippling feeling of alone. And not just the, wa wa, I have no one to snuggle with tonight alone. I mean the I will be alone forever feeling.

I think it's because I've spent so much of my life single. Before Asshat I'd never had a relationship last longer than six months. There are also large amounts of time inbetween relationships, years sometimes. In a way this is a good thing, I've gotten pretty good at being single. Even though I am hurting now, I know how to deal with it. Patience and the right amount of venting. But sometimes when I count the years and I realize I've spent more time alone than I have with someone, I'm frightened. Maybe this is how I am meant to be. The girl who is always single. Sure she is witty and fun to talk to, but she'll always show up stag to parties.

Maybe it is why I dived into my last relationship so deeply. Maybe a part of me was thinking it was my last chance to not be alone. (ridiculous I know, I'm not that old)

I'm not saying I settled, I'm saying I clung. Unhealthily. Past the point where the relationship was good for either of us. And I'm sure this clinging did no favors to a relationship that was already tricky.

So the point to this story is that I have developed a plan. I can't guarantee that I will find someone. In ten years it is entirely possible that I could still be that ever so shameful single. But I can promise myself that I won't be alone. I will have someone to love, some one who will love me back.

When I turn 30, six years from now, if I am still single, with little to no prospects. I'm going to adopt a child.

No, a child is not a boyfriend. A child will not take me to the movies or by me flowers. But I can hold him/or her when they are sad. I can laugh and love with them. Maybe I will miss out on one life stage. I don't know. But I won't miss out on being a mother. I don't have to be frightened of that anymore.

-Audry5000

Another Friday

So this friday wasn't quite as awesome as far as finding things to fill my time. I tried to fill it will nerd. A Magic card tournament. Yes, I admit it. I am a nerd. I even picked my screen name because I thought it sounded like a robot.

But it turned out I was too late. They were already drafting by the time I got there. So I was faced with the prospect of going home to an empty house, or staying and watching.

So I stayed, I watched. It wasn't the best night ever, but they were nerds. Those are my kinda people. I chatted while they played.

And you know what, it was ok. Not awesome. Not the best. But it was ok.

I call that a victory.

The park

Today was surprisingly tricky. There wasn't anything special about it, but sometimes sorrow and regret and hit you with no warning, like a sudden wind, blowing cold right through you. When I got home today it hit. I missed him, or at the very least the idea of him. Yes he was horrible to me sometimes, yes he was controlling without even realizing it. Yes he thought Cormac McCarthy was a hack ( I mean come on, the Road rocked). But sometimes he was also sweet, and intuitive. I loved him, Today I missed him,

So I did something a little dumb and a little wise. I'm not sure which in larger proportion.

I went to the park. Only it wasn't just a park, it was our park. The one we talked in, the one we played in. I went today and I walked my dog, played fetch, read alittle. Here's why it was wise. I need to reclaim things as "mine." I was taking my pup to that park long before I dated Asshat. I don't need to cross everything out of my life that he participated in, there would be to much to cross out.

Here's why it was dumb. I kept expecting to see him. I knew there was no reason for him to be there, but I expected it, I wanted it. I don't know if I wanted it because I wanted to apologize, or because I wanted to ream him.

I know I was right to leave. He didn't trust me at all. He treated me like a dog that was going to run away the first opportunity it got. And him treating me that way, well it made running the only option didn't it? Can't live on a leash. But...

But I don't know. I still feel like I want something from him. I'm not at all sure what but the closest I can figure is I want him to agree. Me leaving was the best thing. The only thing. I want validation.

That's not something I am ever going to get though. Not from him anyway. I need to let it go.

-Audry5000

Last night

Update on Fancy night with the girls.

It was awesome. We ate Italian and had fantastic wine from a local winery: St. Clairs. If you like wine I would definitely recommend them. They have more light sweet whites than you can shake a stick at, plus Mimbres red which is quite possibly my favorite red of all time. Yes it is that good.

I was wrong about the no boys part, at least alittle bit. you see, our waiter was shall we say, a fine specimen. Attractive and charming, as he is paid to be I am sure. He joked with us, tried some of our desert and was just lovely. It didn't hurt that we ended up a little champange faced. So everything was just alittle more wonderful.

I take this as a good sign. For me, champagne elevates whatever emotion I feel. When I am happy, it makes me more happy, the same with sad. I'll never forget the time I was drunk from champange and bailing, and left my best friend a largely incomprehensible voice mail about it. Good times.

Point is, if champagne made me giggly and happy, it means I was happy to begin with. A great start to being over Asshat I think. I was that happy on a Friday.

-Audry5000

Fridays.

Fridays are hard for me. They were date night. In the entire 11 months I was with Asshat we missed a handful of fridays together. I think about him the most right now. Right after I get of work and slouch on the couch.

My plan is to find something fun and reassuring to fill Fridays so I don't wander over to his rather hateful blog and do some self loathing time. Tonight, fancy dinner with the girls. There will be lovely dresses, tasty wining and dining and, this is important folks. No PENISES. They aren't allowed. No. Not even the little ones. Or the gay ones. None.

In this way I hope to do more than mark time till I can go to sleep. Because after all, he wasn't really worth all this trouble.

A look at the little things

I have a lot to bitch about lately, and I am pretty sure I will take the time to do so later, but not today.

Today I am going to stop and smell the roses, or look at what I have found fun about being single.

I have time to play with my pets. My dog and rat have been looking at me with "my mom doesn't feed me" eyes for a long time now.

I can take long showers. I found myself falling into his showering schedule and well, he was a man, showers were... well how do they live? Anyway, things get shaved and lotioned and primped now.

My sleep schedule is back on track. No more waiting up for a man who works night shifts. I sleep when I am tired.

The weekly fights are gone, which means I spend more time enjoying the world and less time coming up with the perfect comeback to whatever stupid thing we were arguing about. For instance, apparently rain smells good, the sun is nice, and there are funny people who shop at my store.

But best of all: my friends. I never had time with them before. Now I do and I love them. In particular I missed my best friend. You see, he is a boy. I used to have feelings for him. And Asshat is a jealous man. Who doesn't understand the past tense. Sigh. Hanging out with best friend usually meant a fight. I was very tired of fighting. You do the math.

Anyway, tonight my best friend and I watched a bunch of movies together. Ate pizza rolls. It was a very simple evening of hanging out. And it was wonderful. I didn't have to worry about getting an angry text during Sholin Soccer. There wasn't that awkward feeling like I was doing something wrong. I just spent time with a guy I've been friends with forever.

A simple joy. That's the kind that lasts.

-Audry5000

PS no, I don't know when LadyLock will get on this thing. I'll poke her.

Promises

My last relationship was a turbulent one. My first adult relationship, and the first time I dived head first into love, lost myself in it. It was terrifying. Even during the good times I felt like my pulse was racing all the time. What if I wasn't myself when I came up for air?

In the process of the relationship, 11 months of ups and downs, love and hate, sex and screaming I learned a lot about myself. He could bring out the worst in me. Now that it's over, and I've seen that worst, I made some promises to myself, both about the break up and about the person that I want to be. I am going to post them here so that I am, at least to a degree, accountable for them.

Promises about him (Lets call him asshat)

1: I promise not to follow his blog, there is no relief there, only his anger.
2: I promise it won't hurt forever and that there is nothing wrong with me just because it does now.
3: I promise we loved each other. He can't take that from me, even though he tries to take it from himself.
4: I promise to learn from this. My next love will benefit from the mistakes we made.
5: There is no need to talk to him anymore. If I don't want to, I won't.

Promises about me:

1: I promise to love who I chose, no one can tell me what I feel.
2: I promise to remember who my friends are, they are my rock and my strong place.
3: I promise to forgive always. Those who wrong me and MYSELF.
4: I promise to move on from failure. Failure today does not mean failure tomorrow.
5: I promise to remember I am beautiful, inside and out. That beauty does not rely on what anyone thinks of me.
6: I promise to work on my temper. All that screaming was not ok. I'm an adult, I should act like one.
7: I promise I will go to Venice someday. I'll get lost and for once I won't be scared of it.

Audry5000